This morning I stepped on the scale for the first time in a long time and it read 197.
Normally I would have freaked out to see this number. I would have cried. Not today.
I have been telling myself a story this year that lead to this. I need to rest, I need to take care of my mental health first, I need more sleep, I have been eating right, I don’t have time…
Truth is, exercise is the self-love I need. Eating right is the self-love I need. Motivation is the self-love I need.
I have been judging other people trying to make myself feel better. That person is bigger than me, I must be healthier than them. Did you see what she ate? No wonder she’s the size she is… Things like this. Every.single.day.
Or the opposite. I will never look like her, no matter how hard I work I will never look like that, I will never, I will never…so why try?
This self-deprecating behaviour is exhausting and I am truly done. It’s time to work on true self-love, true-self care and no more comparison, because no one else is me.
I realized that I created my identity around my weight. I was always the chubby one. My weight was commented on since I was a child. I would never be small, I was big boned, I was just a big girl. I would lose weight every few years, then gain it all back within months. I started to set myself goals – I will lose “x” pounds by June, I will do this I will finally wear a bathing suit this year. Then I would proceed to tell myself a story about how I have stretch marks everywhere, so I will never wear a bathing suit anyway, so why try. I’ll always have cellulite, so why try.
This is the end of those excuses because I am greater than them. Today I am committing myself to the greatness I can be and I will stop carrying around all this extra weight – this extra hate.
I will be chronicling my journey here.
Thanks for reading.