I have some exciting news – I am going to university.
This September I turn 27 years old and for some reason it is quite frightening to me, those numbers. 2.7. I feel I should have done more with my life – travelled more, read more, lived more. But we can’t turn back time.
This decision to go back to school has been a giant step for me. I have been struggling a lot in my current job. I have been struggling a lot with my mental health, too. But going to University, it feels like a dream.
About three years ago, I really started feeling the wanting to go to school. I have spent most of my life feeling inadequate, uneducated, and not worthy of education. And clearly, for a time, I gave up. I went to college to get a “real” job. I became a legal secretary. During the past three years, I have poured over different university websites trying to decide what I would take, what would interest me. I kept going back and telling myself I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t capable of getting an education. Switching back and forth and back and forth between the ideals of who and what I should be. Who and what I am.
It has been incredibly difficult. But turning the chapter on your life always is. It made me think about how we are just the choices we make. We can remain, complain, and muddle through – live the same years over and over again. Or we can start again. Growth. That’s what life is about.
I look forward to writing about my classes, my books, my essays, and all the things that will make up the next four years. I have been thinking on what will come after the undergraduate and feel I have a pretty solid plan. However, I feel that the after is all most people want to know about. You are going to school for an undergraduate – why? What are you going to do after? To me this means when are you going to graduate, get a real job, and live your life like a real adult?
The thing we need to realize is that this, right now, is our life. There may never be an after. As morbid as it sounds, we are not immortal! Or the “after” plan could fail or falter. The next four years of my life are dedicated to books and learning and growth. And the “after” bit will come. It always does – well, usually.
The inherent disappointment I have felt has hit hard, and from the people I thought would be my cheerleaders through it all. But again the lesson always is to have no expectations from anyone. I suppose it is much better to feel disappointment from others than disappointment from yourself. And I do not want to wake up 20 years from now saying “I wish I had gone to school” and never have done it, never taken the step out of my comfort zone.
There is a quote I will leave you with which has sat with me for the past week:
We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are.
Thanks for reading.